YAY!!! I love this time of year. Family, family,. family!! I haven't seen my twin sister in a whole year. :( That's just wrong!! Day before Christmas Eve (which she and I call Christmas Adam) is when I will finally see her!! In fact, the entire family will be together this year. All the drama, all the chaos, all the drama, all the noise, all the drama, all the laughing, all the drama....
Nate and Joy are having a little girl in January, but they are refusing to tell what the name is going to be. In fact, Nathan will deny that they know what they are going to name her although I have inside information that reveals that this is false. He's just not telling. :)
Caylen will be home from college (for both Thanksgiving and Christmas). The girl is hilarious. She adds so much spice to the family dynamics. She will educate me on my lack of musical knowledge. :) Carla is one the "family rocks". She takes everything in stride, and then all of a sudden will say something that has us in the floor rolling with laughter. She will want us to all go horseback riding with her. Natalie is the sunshine! She's the baby of the family and got all the best parts of everyone! She is a Ripstick fiend and a great cuddler.
Dad will tell his dad jokes and do a check-up on everyone's cars. Mom will bake and bake and bake and constantly be pushing everyone to eat something. She will also want to play a few hands of peanuts (a card game).
Cristan and Dan are coming in from San Diego - driving with 2 dogs, no less. They have little Cha-Cha and Lexi. Funny, little, yappy dogs that are going to drive my parents insane. These dogs are waaaaaaaaaay spoiled!! Pink collars, pink bowls, pink playpen, pink stroller, pink pillows, etc.......
Carmen and Doug are coming from Richmond. They are flying, but Carmen will talk about her dog Rooney the ENTIRE time she is home. :D He's a black lab that is afraid of the water. Go figure.
And me and Mollie, my crazy, cuddly, loveable mutt.
There's the round-up, folks!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Escaping
There is an absolutely fascinating psychiatric disorder called a fugue state. Following is Wikepedia's definition:
"A fugue state, formally Dissociative Fugue (previously called Psychogenic Fugue) (DSM-IV Dissociative Disorders 300.13[1]), is a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state is usually short-lived (hours to days), but can last months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity. After recovery from fugue, previous memories usually return intact, however there is complete amnesia for the fugue episode. Importantly, an episode is not characterized as a fugue if it can be related to the ingestion of psychotropic substances, to physical trauma, to a general medical condition, or to psychiatric conditions such as delerium or dementia, bipolar disorder or depression. Fugues are usually precipitated by a stressful episode, and upon recovery there may be amnesia for the original stressor (Dissociative Amnesia)."
No joke!! People just walk away one day. They remember absolutely nothing. They have started whole new families, whole new lives. Then, they "wake up". They remember everything - - - - except for all that occurred during the fugue state. The brain finds many ways to escape that which it cannot comprehend - whether it is the old reality or the new.
How many of us, at one point or another, haven't wished we could just start over? A fresh start where no one knows us or the mistakes we've made. A start that begins with a whole new person. If we can't have a physical fugue state, maybe we can make do with an emotional one. An escape from ourselves, others, circumstances, pain, tragedies.....
It seems ideal except......
I don't want to forget all the wonderful memories........in spite of some hurtful ones
I don't want to deny the significant people in my life........whose love keeps me going.
I don't want to relearn all the lessons I've learned and am learning......those took 30 years.
I don't want to forget the experiences, both amazing and painful, that shape who I am.
I don't want to let go of dreams and hopes and wishes that I've had for so long.
I don't want to forget the laughter........or the tears.
I don't want to lose who I am......to escape to a different (but maybe not better) me.
What about you? Would you change the things and the people that have made you "you"? Sometimes, escape can be dangerous. It makes us try to live in the future or the past or even in a non-existent place. The here, the now - - that's what we've been given. I pray we all live each moment fully - whether good or bad - because we will never get to live them again.
"A fugue state, formally Dissociative Fugue (previously called Psychogenic Fugue) (DSM-IV Dissociative Disorders 300.13[1]), is a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state is usually short-lived (hours to days), but can last months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity. After recovery from fugue, previous memories usually return intact, however there is complete amnesia for the fugue episode. Importantly, an episode is not characterized as a fugue if it can be related to the ingestion of psychotropic substances, to physical trauma, to a general medical condition, or to psychiatric conditions such as delerium or dementia, bipolar disorder or depression. Fugues are usually precipitated by a stressful episode, and upon recovery there may be amnesia for the original stressor (Dissociative Amnesia)."
No joke!! People just walk away one day. They remember absolutely nothing. They have started whole new families, whole new lives. Then, they "wake up". They remember everything - - - - except for all that occurred during the fugue state. The brain finds many ways to escape that which it cannot comprehend - whether it is the old reality or the new.
How many of us, at one point or another, haven't wished we could just start over? A fresh start where no one knows us or the mistakes we've made. A start that begins with a whole new person. If we can't have a physical fugue state, maybe we can make do with an emotional one. An escape from ourselves, others, circumstances, pain, tragedies.....
It seems ideal except......
I don't want to forget all the wonderful memories........in spite of some hurtful ones
I don't want to deny the significant people in my life........whose love keeps me going.
I don't want to relearn all the lessons I've learned and am learning......those took 30 years.
I don't want to forget the experiences, both amazing and painful, that shape who I am.
I don't want to let go of dreams and hopes and wishes that I've had for so long.
I don't want to forget the laughter........or the tears.
I don't want to lose who I am......to escape to a different (but maybe not better) me.
What about you? Would you change the things and the people that have made you "you"? Sometimes, escape can be dangerous. It makes us try to live in the future or the past or even in a non-existent place. The here, the now - - that's what we've been given. I pray we all live each moment fully - whether good or bad - because we will never get to live them again.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
In Memory Of....
One of the most beloved and respected physicians at Baylor ED died on Saturday. It has been heartbreaking for many of us, and yet we have been able to laugh at so many wonderful memories. Dr. Portera was the gentlest doctor I have ever known. I don't think any of us ever saw him struggling with "compassion burn-out". He cared deeply for each and every one of his patients. Once he befriended you, you knew you had a friend for life.
As a doctor, he was calm, steady and confident. In critical situations, he never became frazzled. It did not matter what rolled through the ER doors. If he was on duty., every nurse knew that the day would be good. Traumas, codes, crashing patients, broken limbs, sniffles, stubbed toes - neither the severity nor the drama that is part of any ER fazed him. People needed to know someone cared, and Dr. Portera was that caring person - not only for patients but also for their families, for the nurses, the other doctors, the radiology staff, the clerks, the techs., the housekeepers, the security guards, the social workers.
He was a man who simply loved people in the way Christ loves them. Dr. Portera did not see social status, gender, or race. He saw fragile hearts that needed to be handled with gentle love and sincere compassion. He entered every patient's room with the words, "Tell me about your troubles". And the amazing thing was that he really wanted to hear and know and understand.
Dr. Portera was a healer in every sense of the word. He taught us by example; he led us with gentleness; and he loved us with humor and grace. His was a life richly lived. I pray that I may continue to learn from his example of unselfish, overflowing, Christ-like love.
As a doctor, he was calm, steady and confident. In critical situations, he never became frazzled. It did not matter what rolled through the ER doors. If he was on duty., every nurse knew that the day would be good. Traumas, codes, crashing patients, broken limbs, sniffles, stubbed toes - neither the severity nor the drama that is part of any ER fazed him. People needed to know someone cared, and Dr. Portera was that caring person - not only for patients but also for their families, for the nurses, the other doctors, the radiology staff, the clerks, the techs., the housekeepers, the security guards, the social workers.
He was a man who simply loved people in the way Christ loves them. Dr. Portera did not see social status, gender, or race. He saw fragile hearts that needed to be handled with gentle love and sincere compassion. He entered every patient's room with the words, "Tell me about your troubles". And the amazing thing was that he really wanted to hear and know and understand.
Dr. Portera was a healer in every sense of the word. He taught us by example; he led us with gentleness; and he loved us with humor and grace. His was a life richly lived. I pray that I may continue to learn from his example of unselfish, overflowing, Christ-like love.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Things That Change and Things That Don't
I turned 30 yesterday. It seems very weird. Growing up, I heard so many people say that they didn't feel their age, that they still felt so very young. Now, I'm not old, but I'm beginning to understand what they meant. I think that, as we get older, we begin to realize how much we DON'T know, how often we are so wrong in our judgements of others, how much grace we ourselves need, how short life really is. Perspective changes.....
I got a tattoo. Definite change - - - - - that my mother will find out about tomorrow. It's the word Muirnin written in Celtic script across the inside of my left wrist. The word means "beloved" in Gaelic. This wasn't a snap, "help, I'm turning thirty" decision. I've actually wanted to get one for several years but wanted to be sure I wanted what I got. This is to be a daily reminder that I am Christ's Beloved. I so often allow my feelings to influence what I believe about who I am in the Lord. My feelings don't change the truth though. Muirnin is who I am to my God. A physical marking, a reminder that "I am my Beloved's, and He is mine".....
I took the full time position at the clinic where I have been working part time. This would not usually be such a big deal for someone, but for me, it's kinda big. It means that I'm committing to staying in DFW for at least another year. It means I'm not planning, striving, pushing forward. I'm waiting. I'm finally learning to trust that being still is not "wasted time". Learning to be still is giving me some much needed and beyond priceless, precious time with people I dearly love.
So there's where life is at the moment. Nothing crazy, nothing chaotic, nothing spectacular - - - -and maybe that's the most spectacular, amazing thing about it. Life always changes, and it always stays the same.
I got a tattoo. Definite change - - - - - that my mother will find out about tomorrow. It's the word Muirnin written in Celtic script across the inside of my left wrist. The word means "beloved" in Gaelic. This wasn't a snap, "help, I'm turning thirty" decision. I've actually wanted to get one for several years but wanted to be sure I wanted what I got. This is to be a daily reminder that I am Christ's Beloved. I so often allow my feelings to influence what I believe about who I am in the Lord. My feelings don't change the truth though. Muirnin is who I am to my God. A physical marking, a reminder that "I am my Beloved's, and He is mine".....
I took the full time position at the clinic where I have been working part time. This would not usually be such a big deal for someone, but for me, it's kinda big. It means that I'm committing to staying in DFW for at least another year. It means I'm not planning, striving, pushing forward. I'm waiting. I'm finally learning to trust that being still is not "wasted time". Learning to be still is giving me some much needed and beyond priceless, precious time with people I dearly love.
So there's where life is at the moment. Nothing crazy, nothing chaotic, nothing spectacular - - - -and maybe that's the most spectacular, amazing thing about it. Life always changes, and it always stays the same.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Really? Seriously?
This has been a ridiculous week!! I ended up in the ER this last week for something that was neither spectacular nor heroic. I fell down some stairs. The fall itself was nowhere near graceful, but I was in a cute dress. Not quite sure how that makes things better, but it's all I've got. I was pretty sure I had broken my arm, but the X-rays refused to show a fracture. I still think its broken. It hurts like nobody's business!! This lovely little event happened in a teeny, tiny town called D'Hanis, Texas. It's west of Hondo which is west of another small town which is southwest of San Antonio. I was there for some friends' wedding (which was absolutely beautiful). I was wearing another cute dress for that, but, b/c it was red and black, it got cancelled out by the blue and white arm sling.
Weddings seem to be jinxed events for me. At my brother's wedding, I had a really bad infection in my foot. Landed in the Shawnee, OK ER for medication. I was on crutches for the next 3 days. Just to add to the ridiculousness of it, the medication made me pass out - - - - twice. I hit my head on the back of the dryer and regained consciousness to the melodious sound of my sister verbalizing some French. After passing out for the second time, I "came to" being unceremoniously dumped on my bed by my brother-in-law and listening to my sister-in-law explaining to some friends that she had to call them to find out what to do b/c it was the ER nurse who had fainted, and so, no, she couldn't give directions.
As previously mentioned, my dog and I are similar; so she had to be sure to have medical issues too. Her injury, or rather how she obtained it, is rather impressive. In fact, she was the first dog her vet had ever had that was hurt from jumping on the trampoline. She caught her leg in the spring and ripped a gash in her leg. She woke up the entire neighborhood with her sad yelping. If people are on the trampoline, she wants to be on there to jump at them. If people aren't on it, she wants to be closer to the birds. I'm waiting for the day when she realizes she can jump over the fence if she is on it. Hopefully, she won't impale herself. So, Mollie had to be sedated and sutured yesterday. I have to admit that a drugged dog is pretty darn hilarious - - - - pitiful but funny.
Life is proving - - - - - interesting.........
Weddings seem to be jinxed events for me. At my brother's wedding, I had a really bad infection in my foot. Landed in the Shawnee, OK ER for medication. I was on crutches for the next 3 days. Just to add to the ridiculousness of it, the medication made me pass out - - - - twice. I hit my head on the back of the dryer and regained consciousness to the melodious sound of my sister verbalizing some French. After passing out for the second time, I "came to" being unceremoniously dumped on my bed by my brother-in-law and listening to my sister-in-law explaining to some friends that she had to call them to find out what to do b/c it was the ER nurse who had fainted, and so, no, she couldn't give directions.
As previously mentioned, my dog and I are similar; so she had to be sure to have medical issues too. Her injury, or rather how she obtained it, is rather impressive. In fact, she was the first dog her vet had ever had that was hurt from jumping on the trampoline. She caught her leg in the spring and ripped a gash in her leg. She woke up the entire neighborhood with her sad yelping. If people are on the trampoline, she wants to be on there to jump at them. If people aren't on it, she wants to be closer to the birds. I'm waiting for the day when she realizes she can jump over the fence if she is on it. Hopefully, she won't impale herself. So, Mollie had to be sedated and sutured yesterday. I have to admit that a drugged dog is pretty darn hilarious - - - - pitiful but funny.
Life is proving - - - - - interesting.........
Thursday, May 7, 2009
a safe place
Today is rough going. It's one of those days where everything seems somewhat bleak. Up, down, right, left, over, under, through - - - - my emotions have been all over the place and not without valid reason. Sometimes the grace and goodness of God are amazingly tangible. This is not one of those times.
This is one of those times where I have to believe even when circumstances would initiate doubt. I have to cling to the fact that He wants only the best for me, that He rejoices over me with singing, that I am engraved on the palms of His hands. As buffetted as my feelings and emotions have been, He is still my safe place. I must learn to rest.....
This is one of those times where I have to believe even when circumstances would initiate doubt. I have to cling to the fact that He wants only the best for me, that He rejoices over me with singing, that I am engraved on the palms of His hands. As buffetted as my feelings and emotions have been, He is still my safe place. I must learn to rest.....
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Running Away From Home
I've decided to run away from home! I'm somewhat excited about it, although it does seem a bit delayed since I'm pushing 30 not 15. Better late than never!! Having become a somewhat logical processor (after the initial emotional response), I had to wait until I had some practical reasons to leave. I never was much of a rebel.....
So, I've decided to run away from defensiveness. Turns out that it's impossible to love people with a Christ-encompassing love when I refuse to be vulnerable. When I'm honest with myself, I realize my defensiveness is a response to fear. I must face forward to run away; so no more watching my back.....
Running away from my own selfishness. Trying to make life all about me has proven to be totally exhausting. I don't think I have the energy for it. :) I've also found that, when focusing on myself, there is very little joy spilling into or out of my life. Not getting my own way is a sure fire way of making me very quickly irritated with others. I'm ditching me, letting go of control. Think I'll sit back, chillax and have a cup of coffee with some friends......
So long as I'm running, I might as well leave behind the heavy seriousness I tend to drag around with me. I need to have more FUN!!! It's not that every conversation, moment and event aren't significant; they are!! However, not everything needs to be dissected for melancholy, life-changing importance. So - - -fly kites, try eating a dog biscuit, stay up late just because the company's great, sing and dance even with NO talent, run in the rain, read kids' books, LAUGH!!!! ----- that's the plan. Anybody care to join?
There are plenty of things in my life that I've made "home" that need to be left behind. Running away isn't always a bad thing; in fact, I might decide to do it more often. After all, the only thing I really have to do is pack a bag....
So, I've decided to run away from defensiveness. Turns out that it's impossible to love people with a Christ-encompassing love when I refuse to be vulnerable. When I'm honest with myself, I realize my defensiveness is a response to fear. I must face forward to run away; so no more watching my back.....
Running away from my own selfishness. Trying to make life all about me has proven to be totally exhausting. I don't think I have the energy for it. :) I've also found that, when focusing on myself, there is very little joy spilling into or out of my life. Not getting my own way is a sure fire way of making me very quickly irritated with others. I'm ditching me, letting go of control. Think I'll sit back, chillax and have a cup of coffee with some friends......
So long as I'm running, I might as well leave behind the heavy seriousness I tend to drag around with me. I need to have more FUN!!! It's not that every conversation, moment and event aren't significant; they are!! However, not everything needs to be dissected for melancholy, life-changing importance. So - - -fly kites, try eating a dog biscuit, stay up late just because the company's great, sing and dance even with NO talent, run in the rain, read kids' books, LAUGH!!!! ----- that's the plan. Anybody care to join?
There are plenty of things in my life that I've made "home" that need to be left behind. Running away isn't always a bad thing; in fact, I might decide to do it more often. After all, the only thing I really have to do is pack a bag....
Broken
Over the last few years, I've done quite a bit of thinking and praying about brokenness and what that means in the life of a Jesus follower. I have come to the conclusion that, besides being an on-going process, brokenness is directly tied to the dreams and goals we have. I truly believe that God gives us dreams for the purpose of taking some of them away from us. Not in a hateful, "I'm God! Watch me move you around like a pawn on my own personal chessboard and dash all your hopes and dreams!" way but in an overwhelming loving "I am your Father. I know you completely, and I can see what you cannot. Trust me with your heart" way.
So often we kick and scream and beat our heels on the floor like a two year old when life does not turn out as we so desperately hoped it would. We want our way. Most of the time, our goals and dreams are good things, and yet, we are still so often stripped of them. God changes them or takes them, and we question the reason.
In my own life, I've found that I lean more heavily on Him and seek His face more intensly when I am disappointed. My doubt drives me to my knees. In time, I find that he uses the brokenness to create something far more beautiful and complete than I would have ever been able to do with "my plan". He has set eternity in the hearts of men (and women)....... I cannot see tomorrow; so, eternity, with all my hopes, dreams and goals wrapped up in it, is better left in the hands of my Alpha and Omega.
Fields
Fields of flowers, like ten thousand bittersweet dreams.
A fallen branch,
A careless step,
A storm of wind and rain,
A thousand crushed petals that tell of meaningless death,
And yet, what a sweet aroma can arise from a broken thing.
Let your brokenness become a beautiful thing....
So often we kick and scream and beat our heels on the floor like a two year old when life does not turn out as we so desperately hoped it would. We want our way. Most of the time, our goals and dreams are good things, and yet, we are still so often stripped of them. God changes them or takes them, and we question the reason.
In my own life, I've found that I lean more heavily on Him and seek His face more intensly when I am disappointed. My doubt drives me to my knees. In time, I find that he uses the brokenness to create something far more beautiful and complete than I would have ever been able to do with "my plan". He has set eternity in the hearts of men (and women)....... I cannot see tomorrow; so, eternity, with all my hopes, dreams and goals wrapped up in it, is better left in the hands of my Alpha and Omega.
Fields
Fields of flowers, like ten thousand bittersweet dreams.
A fallen branch,
A careless step,
A storm of wind and rain,
A thousand crushed petals that tell of meaningless death,
And yet, what a sweet aroma can arise from a broken thing.
Let your brokenness become a beautiful thing....
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Mollie
I've had my dog Mollie for about a year and a half. During that time, I've figured out that my dog and I are very similar. So, this posting will be just a wee bit quirky.... Here's the list:
1.) She is stubborn!!
- I have been known to not budge until I get my way
2.) She loves attention and is very much a people pleaser
- no comment :)
3.) She very often insists on playing with things that have and will continue to hurt her (cats)
- How many times have I insisted on continuing in something that I know will hurt me?
4.) She pulls on her leash, insisting on going the wrong direction
- I pull and pull until God has to give me a jerk (that often lands me on my butt) to get
me headed in the right direction
5.) She doesn't like her own food. She would much rather have everyone else's.
- Too many times I've looked at other people's lives and thought, "If only..."
6.) She loses focus easily
- I'm very easily distracted by bright, shiny objects.....and several people will smile at this
7.) She is frightened by harmless things (plastic bags and sprinklers) and harmless noises
(xylephones) but will dive headfirst into things that can cause harm (again, cats)
- Frogs!!! I fear frogs but have no problem waltzing into war zones
8.) She adores people and gets upset when they are upset or crying
- Me too but I have the bad habit of taking on guilt that is not mine to carry
9.) She is clumsy, klutzy and awkward
- It's a good day if I've managed to not spill anything or fall flat on my face
10.) She always wants things that aren't good for her (cats, chocolate, roadkill)
- Ditto to the chocolate! I often insist on clinging to things that are no longer healthy for me
(habits, fears, relationships, guilt, grudges, people-pleasing tendencies)
So there are just a few ways in which Mollie and I are similar. Funny what God uses to show you things about yourself. Guess it's time for me to let go of some of that roadkill - there is no guilt or fear in obedience.
1.) She is stubborn!!
- I have been known to not budge until I get my way
2.) She loves attention and is very much a people pleaser
- no comment :)
3.) She very often insists on playing with things that have and will continue to hurt her (cats)
- How many times have I insisted on continuing in something that I know will hurt me?
4.) She pulls on her leash, insisting on going the wrong direction
- I pull and pull until God has to give me a jerk (that often lands me on my butt) to get
me headed in the right direction
5.) She doesn't like her own food. She would much rather have everyone else's.
- Too many times I've looked at other people's lives and thought, "If only..."
6.) She loses focus easily
- I'm very easily distracted by bright, shiny objects.....and several people will smile at this
7.) She is frightened by harmless things (plastic bags and sprinklers) and harmless noises
(xylephones) but will dive headfirst into things that can cause harm (again, cats)
- Frogs!!! I fear frogs but have no problem waltzing into war zones
8.) She adores people and gets upset when they are upset or crying
- Me too but I have the bad habit of taking on guilt that is not mine to carry
9.) She is clumsy, klutzy and awkward
- It's a good day if I've managed to not spill anything or fall flat on my face
10.) She always wants things that aren't good for her (cats, chocolate, roadkill)
- Ditto to the chocolate! I often insist on clinging to things that are no longer healthy for me
(habits, fears, relationships, guilt, grudges, people-pleasing tendencies)
So there are just a few ways in which Mollie and I are similar. Funny what God uses to show you things about yourself. Guess it's time for me to let go of some of that roadkill - there is no guilt or fear in obedience.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Anchored
So I turned in my 2 weeks notice to Baylor last week. I'm just a bit nervous about it!! I keep reminding God that I need another part time job b/c there are still, unfortunately, bills to pay. :) It's when I remind God of that that I distinctly hear Him laugh at me.
This is a step in faith. The hardest part about this decision was waiting. Patience is not one of my stronger points. In fact, there are days that I tell God it's not fair for Him to teach me patience on the days I don't specifically ask for it. Again, He laughs... I had several well-meaning people tell me to just find a new job, move, take that "leap of faith". Absolutely great advice except it wasn't right for me. I know myself. Moving, going, changing isn't usually the problem. Waiting for God is. And this time, He asked me to wait.
What I have learned in the waiting is a deeper level of trust. Whether or not I "see" or "feel" God working in my life has no bearing on His plan for me. My relationship with Him cannot be based on my emotions b/c they rise and fall like a streamer caught in a breeze. What is vitally important is where I choose to anchor my heart.
I'm still not at all sure where I'm going to work or what I'm going to do. Other things besides my career are changing too. I'm up and down, excited and scared, full of energy and exhausted, but my Rock is unshakable.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I do that will make me hear God laughing at me. So, I pray that we all will know when to wait and to find joy in the waiting. And when God laughs, laugh with Him....
This is a step in faith. The hardest part about this decision was waiting. Patience is not one of my stronger points. In fact, there are days that I tell God it's not fair for Him to teach me patience on the days I don't specifically ask for it. Again, He laughs... I had several well-meaning people tell me to just find a new job, move, take that "leap of faith". Absolutely great advice except it wasn't right for me. I know myself. Moving, going, changing isn't usually the problem. Waiting for God is. And this time, He asked me to wait.
What I have learned in the waiting is a deeper level of trust. Whether or not I "see" or "feel" God working in my life has no bearing on His plan for me. My relationship with Him cannot be based on my emotions b/c they rise and fall like a streamer caught in a breeze. What is vitally important is where I choose to anchor my heart.
I'm still not at all sure where I'm going to work or what I'm going to do. Other things besides my career are changing too. I'm up and down, excited and scared, full of energy and exhausted, but my Rock is unshakable.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I do that will make me hear God laughing at me. So, I pray that we all will know when to wait and to find joy in the waiting. And when God laughs, laugh with Him....
Monday, January 26, 2009
Falling Walls
Sometimes I don't realize how much I miss something until I suddenly have it again. It's been a really long time since I've had fun, relaxed, consistent time with friends who love me, know me well and are headed in the same "life direction". The last 3 or 4 years of my life have been so scattered. Indonesia, Uganda, Dubai, Nashville, New Orleans, Dallas - wonderful experiences, hard experiences; some I would relive; others I wouldn't.
Needless to say, so many places in such a short period of time make it difficult to establish friendships that have time to develop into close, long lasting relationships. Most of my close friends (not to mention family) live far away. Talking to them is a huge blessing; seeing them is a relatively rare event. I've learned to defend myself - to build walls around my heart and mind - if only to continue every day life without fearing a constant, lonely emotional crisis.
Lately, I've been able to spend alot of time with some very dear friends that I have known for forever, have been roommates with, who know and love my family, and who challenge me to love God and people in a deeper way. I don't have to explain my fears, hopes, dreams or faults to them. They already know them because these friendships were built a long time ago.
So, here's to the POC crowd! Thanks for engulfing me again. I can't even begin to explain what an answer to prayer y'all are. Sometimes God comes when we least expect it, and sometimes He graciously heals wounds that we forget even hurt because we have lived with them for so long. It is both frightening and relieving to have somewhere to go where my walls are no longer needed.
Needless to say, so many places in such a short period of time make it difficult to establish friendships that have time to develop into close, long lasting relationships. Most of my close friends (not to mention family) live far away. Talking to them is a huge blessing; seeing them is a relatively rare event. I've learned to defend myself - to build walls around my heart and mind - if only to continue every day life without fearing a constant, lonely emotional crisis.
Lately, I've been able to spend alot of time with some very dear friends that I have known for forever, have been roommates with, who know and love my family, and who challenge me to love God and people in a deeper way. I don't have to explain my fears, hopes, dreams or faults to them. They already know them because these friendships were built a long time ago.
So, here's to the POC crowd! Thanks for engulfing me again. I can't even begin to explain what an answer to prayer y'all are. Sometimes God comes when we least expect it, and sometimes He graciously heals wounds that we forget even hurt because we have lived with them for so long. It is both frightening and relieving to have somewhere to go where my walls are no longer needed.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Redemption
Redeem is an action verb. It means "to restore the honor of". It is a giving back of that which is no longer deserved. The guilty can never be the source of their own redemption.
When the redeemed is guilty, it is impossible to separate redemption from grace. Honor cannot be restored to the guilty without the all-encompassing grace of the Redeemer.
When the redeemed is guilty, it is impossible to separate redemption from grace. Honor cannot be restored to the guilty without the all-encompassing grace of the Redeemer.
Missing You....
Daddy, I Remember
Daddy, I remember....
I remember your laugh and your smile, the twinkle in your eye.
I remember you coming home, so handsome in your uniform.
I remember running into your arms, yelling "DADDY!"
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember "Mommy's Day Out" and green eggs and ham.
I remember faces made of hot dogs and ketchup with spinach hair.
I remember magic shows where balloons had needles through them and bread could be
made with baby powder.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember lining up behind you to yell "Christmas Eve Gift" when Nana opened the door.
I remember you and Mommy helping me ask Jesus to come into my heart.
I remember what your face looked like when you walked in the front door the day of your
surprise birthday party.
......or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you holding me when I was tired.
I remember you painting our faces like clowns and letting us wave at cars as
they went by.
I remember building our snowman that had a pair of underwear for a hat.
I remember you going outside to get big bowls of snow so that we could
have snow ice cream.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you chasing Mommy as she went screaming through the house.
I remember you catching her and tickling her until she laughed so hard she cried.
I remember you tilting her back in your arms and kissing her while we kids
clapped and cheered.
.....or do I just imagine?
Your laugh, your smile, the twinkle in your eye,
Daddy, I remember.
Some hurts, some grief, never go away. It changes; it matures, but somewhere inside, there is always the five year old little girl, aching because, one night, her Daddy never made it home.
Daddy, I remember....
I remember your laugh and your smile, the twinkle in your eye.
I remember you coming home, so handsome in your uniform.
I remember running into your arms, yelling "DADDY!"
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember "Mommy's Day Out" and green eggs and ham.
I remember faces made of hot dogs and ketchup with spinach hair.
I remember magic shows where balloons had needles through them and bread could be
made with baby powder.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember lining up behind you to yell "Christmas Eve Gift" when Nana opened the door.
I remember you and Mommy helping me ask Jesus to come into my heart.
I remember what your face looked like when you walked in the front door the day of your
surprise birthday party.
......or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you holding me when I was tired.
I remember you painting our faces like clowns and letting us wave at cars as
they went by.
I remember building our snowman that had a pair of underwear for a hat.
I remember you going outside to get big bowls of snow so that we could
have snow ice cream.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you chasing Mommy as she went screaming through the house.
I remember you catching her and tickling her until she laughed so hard she cried.
I remember you tilting her back in your arms and kissing her while we kids
clapped and cheered.
.....or do I just imagine?
Your laugh, your smile, the twinkle in your eye,
Daddy, I remember.
Some hurts, some grief, never go away. It changes; it matures, but somewhere inside, there is always the five year old little girl, aching because, one night, her Daddy never made it home.
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