I've decided to run away from home! I'm somewhat excited about it, although it does seem a bit delayed since I'm pushing 30 not 15. Better late than never!! Having become a somewhat logical processor (after the initial emotional response), I had to wait until I had some practical reasons to leave. I never was much of a rebel.....
So, I've decided to run away from defensiveness. Turns out that it's impossible to love people with a Christ-encompassing love when I refuse to be vulnerable. When I'm honest with myself, I realize my defensiveness is a response to fear. I must face forward to run away; so no more watching my back.....
Running away from my own selfishness. Trying to make life all about me has proven to be totally exhausting. I don't think I have the energy for it. :) I've also found that, when focusing on myself, there is very little joy spilling into or out of my life. Not getting my own way is a sure fire way of making me very quickly irritated with others. I'm ditching me, letting go of control. Think I'll sit back, chillax and have a cup of coffee with some friends......
So long as I'm running, I might as well leave behind the heavy seriousness I tend to drag around with me. I need to have more FUN!!! It's not that every conversation, moment and event aren't significant; they are!! However, not everything needs to be dissected for melancholy, life-changing importance. So - - -fly kites, try eating a dog biscuit, stay up late just because the company's great, sing and dance even with NO talent, run in the rain, read kids' books, LAUGH!!!! ----- that's the plan. Anybody care to join?
There are plenty of things in my life that I've made "home" that need to be left behind. Running away isn't always a bad thing; in fact, I might decide to do it more often. After all, the only thing I really have to do is pack a bag....
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Broken
Over the last few years, I've done quite a bit of thinking and praying about brokenness and what that means in the life of a Jesus follower. I have come to the conclusion that, besides being an on-going process, brokenness is directly tied to the dreams and goals we have. I truly believe that God gives us dreams for the purpose of taking some of them away from us. Not in a hateful, "I'm God! Watch me move you around like a pawn on my own personal chessboard and dash all your hopes and dreams!" way but in an overwhelming loving "I am your Father. I know you completely, and I can see what you cannot. Trust me with your heart" way.
So often we kick and scream and beat our heels on the floor like a two year old when life does not turn out as we so desperately hoped it would. We want our way. Most of the time, our goals and dreams are good things, and yet, we are still so often stripped of them. God changes them or takes them, and we question the reason.
In my own life, I've found that I lean more heavily on Him and seek His face more intensly when I am disappointed. My doubt drives me to my knees. In time, I find that he uses the brokenness to create something far more beautiful and complete than I would have ever been able to do with "my plan". He has set eternity in the hearts of men (and women)....... I cannot see tomorrow; so, eternity, with all my hopes, dreams and goals wrapped up in it, is better left in the hands of my Alpha and Omega.
Fields
Fields of flowers, like ten thousand bittersweet dreams.
A fallen branch,
A careless step,
A storm of wind and rain,
A thousand crushed petals that tell of meaningless death,
And yet, what a sweet aroma can arise from a broken thing.
Let your brokenness become a beautiful thing....
So often we kick and scream and beat our heels on the floor like a two year old when life does not turn out as we so desperately hoped it would. We want our way. Most of the time, our goals and dreams are good things, and yet, we are still so often stripped of them. God changes them or takes them, and we question the reason.
In my own life, I've found that I lean more heavily on Him and seek His face more intensly when I am disappointed. My doubt drives me to my knees. In time, I find that he uses the brokenness to create something far more beautiful and complete than I would have ever been able to do with "my plan". He has set eternity in the hearts of men (and women)....... I cannot see tomorrow; so, eternity, with all my hopes, dreams and goals wrapped up in it, is better left in the hands of my Alpha and Omega.
Fields
Fields of flowers, like ten thousand bittersweet dreams.
A fallen branch,
A careless step,
A storm of wind and rain,
A thousand crushed petals that tell of meaningless death,
And yet, what a sweet aroma can arise from a broken thing.
Let your brokenness become a beautiful thing....
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Mollie
I've had my dog Mollie for about a year and a half. During that time, I've figured out that my dog and I are very similar. So, this posting will be just a wee bit quirky.... Here's the list:
1.) She is stubborn!!
- I have been known to not budge until I get my way
2.) She loves attention and is very much a people pleaser
- no comment :)
3.) She very often insists on playing with things that have and will continue to hurt her (cats)
- How many times have I insisted on continuing in something that I know will hurt me?
4.) She pulls on her leash, insisting on going the wrong direction
- I pull and pull until God has to give me a jerk (that often lands me on my butt) to get
me headed in the right direction
5.) She doesn't like her own food. She would much rather have everyone else's.
- Too many times I've looked at other people's lives and thought, "If only..."
6.) She loses focus easily
- I'm very easily distracted by bright, shiny objects.....and several people will smile at this
7.) She is frightened by harmless things (plastic bags and sprinklers) and harmless noises
(xylephones) but will dive headfirst into things that can cause harm (again, cats)
- Frogs!!! I fear frogs but have no problem waltzing into war zones
8.) She adores people and gets upset when they are upset or crying
- Me too but I have the bad habit of taking on guilt that is not mine to carry
9.) She is clumsy, klutzy and awkward
- It's a good day if I've managed to not spill anything or fall flat on my face
10.) She always wants things that aren't good for her (cats, chocolate, roadkill)
- Ditto to the chocolate! I often insist on clinging to things that are no longer healthy for me
(habits, fears, relationships, guilt, grudges, people-pleasing tendencies)
So there are just a few ways in which Mollie and I are similar. Funny what God uses to show you things about yourself. Guess it's time for me to let go of some of that roadkill - there is no guilt or fear in obedience.
1.) She is stubborn!!
- I have been known to not budge until I get my way
2.) She loves attention and is very much a people pleaser
- no comment :)
3.) She very often insists on playing with things that have and will continue to hurt her (cats)
- How many times have I insisted on continuing in something that I know will hurt me?
4.) She pulls on her leash, insisting on going the wrong direction
- I pull and pull until God has to give me a jerk (that often lands me on my butt) to get
me headed in the right direction
5.) She doesn't like her own food. She would much rather have everyone else's.
- Too many times I've looked at other people's lives and thought, "If only..."
6.) She loses focus easily
- I'm very easily distracted by bright, shiny objects.....and several people will smile at this
7.) She is frightened by harmless things (plastic bags and sprinklers) and harmless noises
(xylephones) but will dive headfirst into things that can cause harm (again, cats)
- Frogs!!! I fear frogs but have no problem waltzing into war zones
8.) She adores people and gets upset when they are upset or crying
- Me too but I have the bad habit of taking on guilt that is not mine to carry
9.) She is clumsy, klutzy and awkward
- It's a good day if I've managed to not spill anything or fall flat on my face
10.) She always wants things that aren't good for her (cats, chocolate, roadkill)
- Ditto to the chocolate! I often insist on clinging to things that are no longer healthy for me
(habits, fears, relationships, guilt, grudges, people-pleasing tendencies)
So there are just a few ways in which Mollie and I are similar. Funny what God uses to show you things about yourself. Guess it's time for me to let go of some of that roadkill - there is no guilt or fear in obedience.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Anchored
So I turned in my 2 weeks notice to Baylor last week. I'm just a bit nervous about it!! I keep reminding God that I need another part time job b/c there are still, unfortunately, bills to pay. :) It's when I remind God of that that I distinctly hear Him laugh at me.
This is a step in faith. The hardest part about this decision was waiting. Patience is not one of my stronger points. In fact, there are days that I tell God it's not fair for Him to teach me patience on the days I don't specifically ask for it. Again, He laughs... I had several well-meaning people tell me to just find a new job, move, take that "leap of faith". Absolutely great advice except it wasn't right for me. I know myself. Moving, going, changing isn't usually the problem. Waiting for God is. And this time, He asked me to wait.
What I have learned in the waiting is a deeper level of trust. Whether or not I "see" or "feel" God working in my life has no bearing on His plan for me. My relationship with Him cannot be based on my emotions b/c they rise and fall like a streamer caught in a breeze. What is vitally important is where I choose to anchor my heart.
I'm still not at all sure where I'm going to work or what I'm going to do. Other things besides my career are changing too. I'm up and down, excited and scared, full of energy and exhausted, but my Rock is unshakable.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I do that will make me hear God laughing at me. So, I pray that we all will know when to wait and to find joy in the waiting. And when God laughs, laugh with Him....
This is a step in faith. The hardest part about this decision was waiting. Patience is not one of my stronger points. In fact, there are days that I tell God it's not fair for Him to teach me patience on the days I don't specifically ask for it. Again, He laughs... I had several well-meaning people tell me to just find a new job, move, take that "leap of faith". Absolutely great advice except it wasn't right for me. I know myself. Moving, going, changing isn't usually the problem. Waiting for God is. And this time, He asked me to wait.
What I have learned in the waiting is a deeper level of trust. Whether or not I "see" or "feel" God working in my life has no bearing on His plan for me. My relationship with Him cannot be based on my emotions b/c they rise and fall like a streamer caught in a breeze. What is vitally important is where I choose to anchor my heart.
I'm still not at all sure where I'm going to work or what I'm going to do. Other things besides my career are changing too. I'm up and down, excited and scared, full of energy and exhausted, but my Rock is unshakable.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I do that will make me hear God laughing at me. So, I pray that we all will know when to wait and to find joy in the waiting. And when God laughs, laugh with Him....
Monday, January 26, 2009
Falling Walls
Sometimes I don't realize how much I miss something until I suddenly have it again. It's been a really long time since I've had fun, relaxed, consistent time with friends who love me, know me well and are headed in the same "life direction". The last 3 or 4 years of my life have been so scattered. Indonesia, Uganda, Dubai, Nashville, New Orleans, Dallas - wonderful experiences, hard experiences; some I would relive; others I wouldn't.
Needless to say, so many places in such a short period of time make it difficult to establish friendships that have time to develop into close, long lasting relationships. Most of my close friends (not to mention family) live far away. Talking to them is a huge blessing; seeing them is a relatively rare event. I've learned to defend myself - to build walls around my heart and mind - if only to continue every day life without fearing a constant, lonely emotional crisis.
Lately, I've been able to spend alot of time with some very dear friends that I have known for forever, have been roommates with, who know and love my family, and who challenge me to love God and people in a deeper way. I don't have to explain my fears, hopes, dreams or faults to them. They already know them because these friendships were built a long time ago.
So, here's to the POC crowd! Thanks for engulfing me again. I can't even begin to explain what an answer to prayer y'all are. Sometimes God comes when we least expect it, and sometimes He graciously heals wounds that we forget even hurt because we have lived with them for so long. It is both frightening and relieving to have somewhere to go where my walls are no longer needed.
Needless to say, so many places in such a short period of time make it difficult to establish friendships that have time to develop into close, long lasting relationships. Most of my close friends (not to mention family) live far away. Talking to them is a huge blessing; seeing them is a relatively rare event. I've learned to defend myself - to build walls around my heart and mind - if only to continue every day life without fearing a constant, lonely emotional crisis.
Lately, I've been able to spend alot of time with some very dear friends that I have known for forever, have been roommates with, who know and love my family, and who challenge me to love God and people in a deeper way. I don't have to explain my fears, hopes, dreams or faults to them. They already know them because these friendships were built a long time ago.
So, here's to the POC crowd! Thanks for engulfing me again. I can't even begin to explain what an answer to prayer y'all are. Sometimes God comes when we least expect it, and sometimes He graciously heals wounds that we forget even hurt because we have lived with them for so long. It is both frightening and relieving to have somewhere to go where my walls are no longer needed.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Redemption
Redeem is an action verb. It means "to restore the honor of". It is a giving back of that which is no longer deserved. The guilty can never be the source of their own redemption.
When the redeemed is guilty, it is impossible to separate redemption from grace. Honor cannot be restored to the guilty without the all-encompassing grace of the Redeemer.
When the redeemed is guilty, it is impossible to separate redemption from grace. Honor cannot be restored to the guilty without the all-encompassing grace of the Redeemer.
Missing You....
Daddy, I Remember
Daddy, I remember....
I remember your laugh and your smile, the twinkle in your eye.
I remember you coming home, so handsome in your uniform.
I remember running into your arms, yelling "DADDY!"
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember "Mommy's Day Out" and green eggs and ham.
I remember faces made of hot dogs and ketchup with spinach hair.
I remember magic shows where balloons had needles through them and bread could be
made with baby powder.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember lining up behind you to yell "Christmas Eve Gift" when Nana opened the door.
I remember you and Mommy helping me ask Jesus to come into my heart.
I remember what your face looked like when you walked in the front door the day of your
surprise birthday party.
......or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you holding me when I was tired.
I remember you painting our faces like clowns and letting us wave at cars as
they went by.
I remember building our snowman that had a pair of underwear for a hat.
I remember you going outside to get big bowls of snow so that we could
have snow ice cream.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you chasing Mommy as she went screaming through the house.
I remember you catching her and tickling her until she laughed so hard she cried.
I remember you tilting her back in your arms and kissing her while we kids
clapped and cheered.
.....or do I just imagine?
Your laugh, your smile, the twinkle in your eye,
Daddy, I remember.
Some hurts, some grief, never go away. It changes; it matures, but somewhere inside, there is always the five year old little girl, aching because, one night, her Daddy never made it home.
Daddy, I remember....
I remember your laugh and your smile, the twinkle in your eye.
I remember you coming home, so handsome in your uniform.
I remember running into your arms, yelling "DADDY!"
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember "Mommy's Day Out" and green eggs and ham.
I remember faces made of hot dogs and ketchup with spinach hair.
I remember magic shows where balloons had needles through them and bread could be
made with baby powder.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember lining up behind you to yell "Christmas Eve Gift" when Nana opened the door.
I remember you and Mommy helping me ask Jesus to come into my heart.
I remember what your face looked like when you walked in the front door the day of your
surprise birthday party.
......or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you holding me when I was tired.
I remember you painting our faces like clowns and letting us wave at cars as
they went by.
I remember building our snowman that had a pair of underwear for a hat.
I remember you going outside to get big bowls of snow so that we could
have snow ice cream.
.....or do I just imagine?
Daddy, I remember....
I remember you chasing Mommy as she went screaming through the house.
I remember you catching her and tickling her until she laughed so hard she cried.
I remember you tilting her back in your arms and kissing her while we kids
clapped and cheered.
.....or do I just imagine?
Your laugh, your smile, the twinkle in your eye,
Daddy, I remember.
Some hurts, some grief, never go away. It changes; it matures, but somewhere inside, there is always the five year old little girl, aching because, one night, her Daddy never made it home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)