Escaping

There is an absolutely fascinating psychiatric disorder called a fugue state. Following is Wikepedia's definition:

"A fugue state, formally Dissociative Fugue (previously called Psychogenic Fugue) (DSM-IV Dissociative Disorders 300.13[1]), is a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state is usually short-lived (hours to days), but can last months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity. After recovery from fugue, previous memories usually return intact, however there is complete amnesia for the fugue episode. Importantly, an episode is not characterized as a fugue if it can be related to the ingestion of psychotropic substances, to physical trauma, to a general medical condition, or to psychiatric conditions such as delerium or dementia, bipolar disorder or depression. Fugues are usually precipitated by a stressful episode, and upon recovery there may be amnesia for the original stressor (Dissociative Amnesia)."

No joke!! People just walk away one day. They remember absolutely nothing. They have started whole new families, whole new lives. Then, they "wake up". They remember everything - - - - except for all that occurred during the fugue state. The brain finds many ways to escape that which it cannot comprehend - whether it is the old reality or the new.

How many of us, at one point or another, haven't wished we could just start over? A fresh start where no one knows us or the mistakes we've made. A start that begins with a whole new person. If we can't have a physical fugue state, maybe we can make do with an emotional one. An escape from ourselves, others, circumstances, pain, tragedies.....

It seems ideal except......
I don't want to forget all the wonderful memories........in spite of some hurtful ones
I don't want to deny the significant people in my life........whose love keeps me going.
I don't want to relearn all the lessons I've learned and am learning......those took 30 years.
I don't want to forget the experiences, both amazing and painful, that shape who I am.
I don't want to let go of dreams and hopes and wishes that I've had for so long.
I don't want to forget the laughter........or the tears.
I don't want to lose who I am......to escape to a different (but maybe not better) me.

What about you? Would you change the things and the people that have made you "you"? Sometimes, escape can be dangerous. It makes us try to live in the future or the past or even in a non-existent place. The here, the now - - that's what we've been given. I pray we all live each moment fully - whether good or bad - because we will never get to live them again.

In Memory Of....

One of the most beloved and respected physicians at Baylor ED died on Saturday. It has been heartbreaking for many of us, and yet we have been able to laugh at so many wonderful memories. Dr. Portera was the gentlest doctor I have ever known. I don't think any of us ever saw him struggling with "compassion burn-out". He cared deeply for each and every one of his patients. Once he befriended you, you knew you had a friend for life.

As a doctor, he was calm, steady and confident. In critical situations, he never became frazzled. It did not matter what rolled through the ER doors. If he was on duty., every nurse knew that the day would be good. Traumas, codes, crashing patients, broken limbs, sniffles, stubbed toes - neither the severity nor the drama that is part of any ER fazed him. People needed to know someone cared, and Dr. Portera was that caring person - not only for patients but also for their families, for the nurses, the other doctors, the radiology staff, the clerks, the techs., the housekeepers, the security guards, the social workers.

He was a man who simply loved people in the way Christ loves them. Dr. Portera did not see social status, gender, or race. He saw fragile hearts that needed to be handled with gentle love and sincere compassion. He entered every patient's room with the words, "Tell me about your troubles". And the amazing thing was that he really wanted to hear and know and understand.

Dr. Portera was a healer in every sense of the word. He taught us by example; he led us with gentleness; and he loved us with humor and grace. His was a life richly lived. I pray that I may continue to learn from his example of unselfish, overflowing, Christ-like love.

Things That Change and Things That Don't

I turned 30 yesterday. It seems very weird. Growing up, I heard so many people say that they didn't feel their age, that they still felt so very young. Now, I'm not old, but I'm beginning to understand what they meant. I think that, as we get older, we begin to realize how much we DON'T know, how often we are so wrong in our judgements of others, how much grace we ourselves need, how short life really is. Perspective changes.....

I got a tattoo. Definite change - - - - - that my mother will find out about tomorrow. It's the word Muirnin written in Celtic script across the inside of my left wrist. The word means "beloved" in Gaelic. This wasn't a snap, "help, I'm turning thirty" decision. I've actually wanted to get one for several years but wanted to be sure I wanted what I got. This is to be a daily reminder that I am Christ's Beloved. I so often allow my feelings to influence what I believe about who I am in the Lord. My feelings don't change the truth though. Muirnin is who I am to my God. A physical marking, a reminder that "I am my Beloved's, and He is mine".....

I took the full time position at the clinic where I have been working part time. This would not usually be such a big deal for someone, but for me, it's kinda big. It means that I'm committing to staying in DFW for at least another year. It means I'm not planning, striving, pushing forward. I'm waiting. I'm finally learning to trust that being still is not "wasted time". Learning to be still is giving me some much needed and beyond priceless, precious time with people I dearly love.

So there's where life is at the moment. Nothing crazy, nothing chaotic, nothing spectacular - - - -and maybe that's the most spectacular, amazing thing about it. Life always changes, and it always stays the same.

Really? Seriously?

This has been a ridiculous week!! I ended up in the ER this last week for something that was neither spectacular nor heroic. I fell down some stairs. The fall itself was nowhere near graceful, but I was in a cute dress. Not quite sure how that makes things better, but it's all I've got. I was pretty sure I had broken my arm, but the X-rays refused to show a fracture. I still think its broken. It hurts like nobody's business!! This lovely little event happened in a teeny, tiny town called D'Hanis, Texas. It's west of Hondo which is west of another small town which is southwest of San Antonio. I was there for some friends' wedding (which was absolutely beautiful). I was wearing another cute dress for that, but, b/c it was red and black, it got cancelled out by the blue and white arm sling.

Weddings seem to be jinxed events for me. At my brother's wedding, I had a really bad infection in my foot. Landed in the Shawnee, OK ER for medication. I was on crutches for the next 3 days. Just to add to the ridiculousness of it, the medication made me pass out - - - - twice. I hit my head on the back of the dryer and regained consciousness to the melodious sound of my sister verbalizing some French. After passing out for the second time, I "came to" being unceremoniously dumped on my bed by my brother-in-law and listening to my sister-in-law explaining to some friends that she had to call them to find out what to do b/c it was the ER nurse who had fainted, and so, no, she couldn't give directions.

As previously mentioned, my dog and I are similar; so she had to be sure to have medical issues too. Her injury, or rather how she obtained it, is rather impressive. In fact, she was the first dog her vet had ever had that was hurt from jumping on the trampoline. She caught her leg in the spring and ripped a gash in her leg. She woke up the entire neighborhood with her sad yelping. If people are on the trampoline, she wants to be on there to jump at them. If people aren't on it, she wants to be closer to the birds. I'm waiting for the day when she realizes she can jump over the fence if she is on it. Hopefully, she won't impale herself. So, Mollie had to be sedated and sutured yesterday. I have to admit that a drugged dog is pretty darn hilarious - - - - pitiful but funny.

Life is proving - - - - - interesting.........

a safe place

Today is rough going. It's one of those days where everything seems somewhat bleak. Up, down, right, left, over, under, through - - - - my emotions have been all over the place and not without valid reason. Sometimes the grace and goodness of God are amazingly tangible. This is not one of those times.

This is one of those times where I have to believe even when circumstances would initiate doubt. I have to cling to the fact that He wants only the best for me, that He rejoices over me with singing, that I am engraved on the palms of His hands. As buffetted as my feelings and emotions have been, He is still my safe place. I must learn to rest.....

Running Away From Home

I've decided to run away from home! I'm somewhat excited about it, although it does seem a bit delayed since I'm pushing 30 not 15. Better late than never!! Having become a somewhat logical processor (after the initial emotional response), I had to wait until I had some practical reasons to leave. I never was much of a rebel.....

So, I've decided to run away from defensiveness. Turns out that it's impossible to love people with a Christ-encompassing love when I refuse to be vulnerable. When I'm honest with myself, I realize my defensiveness is a response to fear. I must face forward to run away; so no more watching my back.....

Running away from my own selfishness. Trying to make life all about me has proven to be totally exhausting. I don't think I have the energy for it. :) I've also found that, when focusing on myself, there is very little joy spilling into or out of my life. Not getting my own way is a sure fire way of making me very quickly irritated with others. I'm ditching me, letting go of control. Think I'll sit back, chillax and have a cup of coffee with some friends......

So long as I'm running, I might as well leave behind the heavy seriousness I tend to drag around with me. I need to have more FUN!!! It's not that every conversation, moment and event aren't significant; they are!! However, not everything needs to be dissected for melancholy, life-changing importance. So - - -fly kites, try eating a dog biscuit, stay up late just because the company's great, sing and dance even with NO talent, run in the rain, read kids' books, LAUGH!!!! ----- that's the plan. Anybody care to join?

There are plenty of things in my life that I've made "home" that need to be left behind. Running away isn't always a bad thing; in fact, I might decide to do it more often. After all, the only thing I really have to do is pack a bag....

Broken

Over the last few years, I've done quite a bit of thinking and praying about brokenness and what that means in the life of a Jesus follower. I have come to the conclusion that, besides being an on-going process, brokenness is directly tied to the dreams and goals we have. I truly believe that God gives us dreams for the purpose of taking some of them away from us. Not in a hateful, "I'm God! Watch me move you around like a pawn on my own personal chessboard and dash all your hopes and dreams!" way but in an overwhelming loving "I am your Father. I know you completely, and I can see what you cannot. Trust me with your heart" way.

So often we kick and scream and beat our heels on the floor like a two year old when life does not turn out as we so desperately hoped it would. We want our way. Most of the time, our goals and dreams are good things, and yet, we are still so often stripped of them. God changes them or takes them, and we question the reason.

In my own life, I've found that I lean more heavily on Him and seek His face more intensly when I am disappointed. My doubt drives me to my knees. In time, I find that he uses the brokenness to create something far more beautiful and complete than I would have ever been able to do with "my plan". He has set eternity in the hearts of men (and women)....... I cannot see tomorrow; so, eternity, with all my hopes, dreams and goals wrapped up in it, is better left in the hands of my Alpha and Omega.

Fields

Fields of flowers, like ten thousand bittersweet dreams.
A fallen branch,
A careless step,
A storm of wind and rain,
A thousand crushed petals that tell of meaningless death,
And yet, what a sweet aroma can arise from a broken thing.

Let your brokenness become a beautiful thing....